An Anniversary

One year ago my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer.  By God's grace and severe mercy, today we celebrate GOD's FAITHFULNESS through a year of healing.  Mark has completed a final surgery in his treatment plan, is back to work and is quickly approaching full recovery.  Thank you for your undying prayers and overflowing love.  

To God be all the Glory!

A Wife's Heart

My husband is recovering from a final surgery in his medical plan. The surgery was relatively simple compared to all that he’s already endured so graciously.  He only stayed in the hospital one day and was walking through the neighborhood the day after he returned home.  He is already back to work (at least part-time) and manages with supernatural grace and strength.  I am celebrating my husband’s life and know that God will continue to give him the power to endure.

Today my heart aches for the wife of another man who just lost his battle with colon cancer.  It is surreal and sobering since this man’s diagnosis came less than a year before my husband’s.  I don’t know the details of his case. Treatments were ineffective.  They also have 3 children. I’ve never met this woman, yet I feel that I know deeply a part of her heart that is now broken and deeply grieving.  I am sure that it is the kind of grief that finds you gasping for air, filled with exhaustion but not able to rest.  She has a to-do list that feels insurmountable. She will endure many days, weeks and years finding a new normal and looking for ways to fill a void that will never be filled until we all meet again in heaven.  Praise God that this woman and her husband trusted Christ as their Savior.

I’ve watched the grief of loved ones who have lost their spouses; it’s deep and long lasting.  C. S. Lewis wrote about his grief following the death of his wife in A Grief Observed. I read that book a few years ago.  As I ache and pray for this woman, I can’t help but feel undeservedly blessed, almost guilty.  My husband is winning his battle and recovering.  Life is fragile and can be taken at any moment in many ways.  Every minute we share with loved ones on earth is a gift from above.  So while I’m here with my husband on earth, I want to be the wife that helps him be all that God intends.  I want God to use my husband and me to serve His eternal purpose for as long as He chooses to keep us on earth.  As I pray for this grieving wife, I’m also praying for Christ’s return more fervently than ever. 

Lessons from the Apostles

I am reading through the book of Acts.  I’ve read these stories before but piecemeal and with infant eyes.  God is maturing me, and I am beginning to see His story much deeper, more loving and so much bigger than my own little world.  It is humbling and also quite admonishing.  He has so loved me and sacrificially provided for me, yet it is so easy to focus inward - concerned about cancer, schedules, my bank account, my creature comforts. He is teaching me to think outside of my “here and now” and increase my eternal perspective.  “He has also set eternity in the human heart.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

Paul was passionate, strong and powerful.  God trapped this soul and showed Paul “how much he must suffer for my (the Lord’s) name.” Act 9:16 I am sure that Paul’s suffering deepened his faith and love for God and the Body of Christ. Also pervasive throughout the book of Acts is the supernatural power and direction provided to the disciples by the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit wasn’t just helping them, He was leading them - opening and closing doors as they faithfully navigated their journey, rescuing them.  This powerful history of our early church is such a clear example of the way God intends for me to serve Him in the Body of Christ today!  Like Ananias, when God says go talk to someone, I need to drop what I’m doing and go.  The disciples were bold in sharing the gospel; I need to be bold too.  And, He has also given me supernatural power, comfort and leadership in the Holy Spirit. 

As I share in my husbands suffering through this cancer battle, the Holy Spirit is teaching me to submit more and seek only God’s will.  A recent devotional summed this up best for me:

“It is in…suffering that the Holy Spirit works many miraculous things deep within our soul.  In this condition, our entire being lies perfectly still under the hand of God; every power and ability of the mind, will, and heart are at last submissive; a quietness of eternity settles into the entire soul; and finally, the mouth becomes quiet, having only a few words to say…At this point the person stops imagining castles in the sky, and pursuing foolish ideas, and his reasoning becomes calm and relaxed, with all choices removed, because the only choice has now become the purpose of God.”

The Holy Spirit is also opening my eyes to see more fully the role I must play in the Body of Christ. Paul and the other apostles laid the foundation for us in the past but now “God’s plan is that through the faithful ministry of every part, the whole body will grow to full maturity in Christ.” (Paul David Tripp) 

“Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.  In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.  And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.” Ephesians 2:19-22

I am part of His temple and He has given me the Holy Spirit not only to comfort me in times of trouble but also to equip me to supernaturally minister within the Body of Christ.  I will do this more!

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10  Thanks God for this promise!

Celebrating

Today we celebrate the official end of Mark’s chemotherapy treatments.  Please join me in a prayer of thanksgiving and praise.

Dear God,

Thank you for faithfully carrying us through this chemo phase of Mark’s cancer battle.  You have fulfilled your promise to shepherd us through this, and we give you all the praise.  You have given Mark supernatural strength and endurance and provided our family with every single need along the way. You have given us immeasurably more than we asked or imagined. We pray that many generations to come (especially our children) might see your mighty power and know that you are faithful and your promises are trustworthy. We pray that we will speak boldly of your power in our lives so that others see You. We will continue to seek you and your will for our family.  Please help this medical plan to restore Mark’s health so that we might continue to serve you more.  We give you all the glory! Amen.

Chocolate cake tonight!

The First Day of School - New Beginnings

I am not a morning person, but my husband is (You can take the man out of the Marine, but you can’t take the Marine out of the man!)  This past Wednesday I had to attack the day in a different way.  It was the first day of school and additionally, my husband’s car was in the shop. Mark would be ready to start the day early, and God was answering his prayers and giving him energy to start the year strong. I was on taxi duty! 

God’s mercy and love whispered to me personally all through the day.  It started with a 4:30am wakeup call, not from my alarm clock or phone.  I just woke up, wide awake and ready to serve my family with joy in my heart (not the way I normally feel in the mornings!)  The Holy Spirit was unquestionably prodding me. 

Our three children were up and ready early, too early to go to school. But their father would be one of the first to arrive.  So my taxi service began as I drove my husband to school, wearing the chemo pump that would come off later in the day. The taxi was already booked for the cancer center to finalize Mark’s 11^th treatment.  Chemicals, but mostly spiritual power and peace would fill my husband all morning.  Mark had been praying all summer for this day – prayers for his students, the teachers and other administrators, peace and physical strength for himself and the right words to share with his students and colleagues. 

God had already planned another whisper to me as I arrived to deliver the Vice Principal for the first day of school.  Mark arrived at school confident and ready.  I kissed him goodbye.  As I rounded the corner of the school parking lot, God whispered again to me just as he had 9 ½ months ago in this very same parking lot.  Last November 1, immediately following Mark’s cancer diagnosis, God had reminded me of his merciful promise to Hezekiah.  Mark had read the story in Isaiah 38, and on that day we realized that God was using His Word to promise us He would guide us through the trial we were entering. “‘This is the LORD’s sign to you that the LORD will do what he has promised…..”  Isaiah 38:7

On this day, 9 1/2 months later, God was sending me another reminder that we can always trust His promises. This time, He reminded me of the promise he made to Noah and all generations to follow.  In the parking lot, a spectacular rainbow surrounded the cross that sits near the school campus.  It took my breath away, and I had to stop and pray.  This was my prayer:  “Good morning God!  Thanks for the whisper this morning reminding me of your promises.”  God’s power and joy filled me that morning, and He continued to bless me the rest of the day. 

This cancer battle is teaching me many things.  I am seeking Him more through His word and His promises are ringing true in my life daily "....the Lord is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you." 2 Chronicles 15:2 

In the Heat of Summer and Battle

My husband is ¾ of the way through his chemotherapy treatments, and we are planning for a new school year. Our summer has been very usual on one level, but there is another dimension unquestionably driving us toward fall.  It is the medical battle popping in and out of these blistering days of summer.  Hovering above the heat of summer and this cancer battle are spiritual forces.  Sometimes it is the roaring lion, and we are reminded to be alert. Other times it is huge waves of blessing and comfort from above.

The bi-weekly treatment schedule sets the rollercoaster pace of the cancer battle.  Mid-treatment tests identified no signs of cancer sending cool waves of encouragement through the summer heat! Mark has found a rhythm in the schedule too.  There are several hard days of anticipation and then just plain endurance. Treatments are undoubtedly physical but have also become a psychological struggle that only spiritual armor can truly combat.  God has equipped my husband maybe through military training but clearly through His word and the power of the Holy Spirit to muster the discipline and strength to endure – no complaining, no self-pity.  Mark is patient in affliction and faithful in prayer while he continues to serve the needs of his family and enjoy the gift of work as he prepares for the new school year.

Camp, swimming, summer reading, visits from friends and family, late night movies – these are some of the regular summer-time activities that are especially familiar to our children, and God is blessing us with this time to strengthen our bonds in the family of Christ.  We celebrated the baptism and birthday of our youngest child, 13 years of fatherhood on Father’s Day, the birth of our country with fireworks, and our 18^th wedding anniversary.  We were blessed and encouraged by visits from friends and family.  The summer of 2011 will undoubtedly be remembered as a time of extreme testing and blessings where God’s mercy and grace abound.

We know that we are in a time of preparation and are excited to see how God will use this time to His glory in the future.  God is changing us - molding our will toward His and sharpening us to better serve Him.  Moving toward fall and the end of this battle, we are determined that we will be different.  We want to be more fervent in prayer, more alert, more ready to serve.  Meanwhile God’s word is more alive than ever in our souls.  “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Share with God’s people who are in need.  Practice hospitality.”  Romans 12:11-13

Renewal and Attack

We are half way through my husband’s chemo treatments.  Side effects are gradually increasing. Mark endures with God-given grace and strength.  God is clearly in control of this cancer battle, and He is changing us as He holds us in his hands. 

Six months ago as we anticipated surgery and chemo, I never imagined that we would be able to continue our annual tradition of family camp in the Piney Woods of East Texas.  As the date approached and we prayed and considered ways to make it work, it became clear that God’s merciful plan would have us returning to Pine Cove for our 8^th summer.  What a sacred time of spiritual renewal and encouragement!  We felt God’s love as the wonderful staff served us, enjoyed God’s beautiful creation, shared fellowship with God’s people, and were fueled by the word of God.

As we dove into God’s word, we saw for ourselves its power in our lives. “For the word of God is alive and active.” Hebrews 4:12 Familiar passages took on new meaning as we saw them in our current condition.  We were encouraged to REMEMBER.  We remembered our Godly heritage and identified by name those spiritual mentors that led and encouraged us in Christ. We reminded our children of God’s faithfulness in our past – how he has so clearly directed and provided for our family.  We rejoiced in the fact that our youngest child has now clearly professed his trust in Christ as our Savior and will soon be baptized.  

We also learned about the suffering that many of our camp friends had endured over the course of the last year and heard of God’s faithfulness in their lives.  We are clearly not alone in our suffering.  We were reminded to look at trials and suffering as God’s severe mercy giving us a chance to grow deeper in Him and teach our children to trust Him and point others to Christ. 

The day we returned from camp my daughter and I were involved in a car accident.  I did not remain “alert” and the enemy saw a chance to slither in.  My mind was distracted by many things not the least of which fatigue, and I unknowingly ran a stop light.  My brain saw green, but I now believe it was the green light for the lane next to mine.  God’s severe mercy prevented injuries, and his providence now calls for a new vehicle.  In the hours that followed, I resisted Satan’s attempts to send me spirits of guilt, despair and sorrow.  I clearly put a name to those emotions, recognized that they were not of God and stood firm against them.  Satan will not be allowed to get a stronghold in our lives!  The words I had heard at camp about others’ sufferings and now the realization that I had let my guard down took me to this verse.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. “ I Peter 5:8-11

The Wilderness

My husband had a second chemo treatment this week.  We wait patiently through the process guided by medical professionals and feel God’s hand leading the way.  There is a sense that we are being led into the “wilderness.”  Today God’s Word helped clarify His plan for us.

This morning I picked up a devotional given to me by a dear friend. It led me to Deuteronomy 8.

“Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.”  Deut. 8:2-3

Although this wilderness of chemo treatments will not be 40 years, it is already causing hunger and humility.   Mark hungers for the daily buzz of the school environment, the never-dull academic career that God has so clearly prepared him for through the years.  He wants to be having an impact on his students every day instead of walking in this wilderness.  Side effects are humbling but a Marine is prepared for anything.  He is facing it all with determination and diligence.  A moment of discouragement is quickly removed by the Holy Spirit’s whisper in a Bible verse, an email or an endearing moment with our children.  God is telling Mark that He is preparing him for a time beyond.  He has peace and comfort.  He’s David waiting in a cave, Joseph in prison, the Israelite in the wilderness.

When I read Deuteronomy 8, I was reminded of God’s provision for the Israelites in the wilderness.   It’s easy to remember the manna, but God also provided other physical needs.  “Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.” Deut. 8:4  For forty years the Israelites’ clothes didn’t wear out?  That part amazed me because my first grader wears out his shoes in just a few months and he's not roaming around in the wilderness.

I was quickly humbled by the fact that I don’t take enough time to thank God for the many things He is obviously providing to help us through this time.  Even though our shoes don’t last, we have hand-me-downs!   God is providing, and I am realizing that we really need fewer things. We’ve received wise counsel, excellent medical care, generous gifts, providentially coordinated schedules, and even a tax refund.  He is faithful. 

We know that God will lead us through this wilderness and that “in the end it will go well with us.”  (Deut. 8:16) So in the mean time we will “observe the commands of the LORD our God, walking in obedience to him and revering him.” (Deut. 8:6)

Thank you God for your discipline and provision especially in the wilderness.  Your Word is powerful and your promises sustain us and give us hope.

A Spirit of Hope

Yesterday my husband began a 3^rd attack on his cancer – chemotherapy.  It was a somewhat surreal day yet filled with hope. This was not just a shallow hope but a deep-seated faithful hope that claims God’s promises for ourselves. 

The day began with our typical car ride to school.  Our car was filled with a Spirit of hope, peace and joy.  I must confess, not all mornings are like this.  Some are rushed and frustrating; others filled with sibling antagonism, tense, sleepy.  There was literal song in our car yesterday morning - smiles, words of encouragement, peace.  A school musical performance is approaching, and we are honored and privileged to be a part of it.  This is an unexpected opportunity for my daughter that has come with providential timing.  We were also thanking God for His positive answer to physical comfort for one of our sons.  We prayed  passionately over the weekend for this, and God was gracious.  This had been a seemingly small request at this time in the life of our family but was now a clear response from God that He is listening and walking with us.

The next car ride was to the cancer center to begin what will be our new “normal” for the next 4-6 months.  Although the day was a bit cloudy and cold, our spirits were calm and determined – we are standing firm!  As the process unfolded, I was reminded of God’s hand in guiding us to this state-of-the-art cancer facility, filled with competent and compassionate medical professionals.  These people are so incredibly gifted.  They are knowledgeable, patient and compassionate!  We were glad to be progressing and thankful God had led us to this wonderful place.

Although the environment was peaceful, I did feel a bit like I do waiting for the 4^th of July fireworks to begin. As the chemicals flowed, I watched Mark for any of those signs that would mean we needed to press that “little red button.”  He watched TV, read, ate a snack, talked on the phone.  I read too much medical information, checked my phone, paced a bit.  All in all it was a rather boring 5 hours.  Praise the Lord!!  We left, stopped for a late lunch and then headed to carpool.  Once we arrived home, Mark walked 5 miles.  Wow, what a guy!  Thank you Lord for your Holy Spirit who is giving us hope and peace.

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  Romans 5:3-5

 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Holy Ground

I’ve never been a very socially needy person.  My list of Facebook friends is not very large.  I’m not prone to regularly attend gatherings with large groups of people.  I’d likely choose a quiet evening at home (even alone) over a night out at a party.  I’d prefer to serve food and clean up at a party than to visit and be entertained by guests.  Don’t get me wrong - I’m really not a “loner.”  I have some very valuable deep relationships that fuel my soul immeasurably; strong healthy relationships with my husband, my family, my friends, and many who read my blog!  I have to admit, however, that my expectations of my earthly relationships are changing. 

I’ve always felt that I had a very strong relationship with God.  But, I have a confession to make. I’ve been at times unable to say that I truly seek God first.  I felt that I did in my mind but not necessarily in my heart.  Whenever I had news to share (good or bad) or needed someone to talk to, I always thought of my human relationships first.  My husband is always the first one I seek.  I’d have a need for motherhood counsel, and I’d call my mom.  I’d need financial advice: I’d call my dad. I’d have a funny story I wanted to tell; I’d call my sister or my girlfriend.  

God is changing my heart.  Over the last several years, I've had to pause as I reached for the phone and reconsider……my mom is no longer with us, someone else is struggling with his or her own needs or schedule, and timing for my issue is not good.  My self-centered questions might not be sensitive to the issues that these special people have in their lives or hearts.  As I long to share an intimate conversation with the ones I love, I am now more sensitive to their fragility, their own needs, their human conditions.  They are “jars of clay” too, and I realize that my needs (emotional or physical) can never be fulfilled here on earth. 

The more I search the Bible, pray, see God working in our lives; the more I truly want to seek Him first.  This morning I’m home with my husband recoverying from surgery and a child with a sore throat.  I’m longing to talk.  There are loved ones here; we share our morning.  I think about my extended family I want to talk to too. I’m not sure about what.  I guess that I’m just desiring intimacy…companionship.  I have that here on earth, because I’m surrounded by many who love me and would drop everything just to chat.  But today I need more of God.  So, I read the Bible and blog.  “God said (to Moses),  ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.’”  Exodus 3:5  He offers me that same holy ground.  I don’t have to worry about whether my needs will interfere with God’s issues --- He is immutable!